Accessorize

Michelle and I put up these lights in Amherst, when she lived there. We really liked them. They're solar, so they're almost alive. They don't stay on all night. They stay on as long as they charge. Cloudy day. Short day. Less light. I figured part of the stoop garden would be these lights. From a distance, the whole thing looks silly, but right there in it. It's pretty cool.

Gotta name my Strawberry plant Darryl

I questioned what I would name my strawberry plant, then realized a true stoop gardener can only name him Darryl. Past the Straw man, you can see Angie, my pepper (anderson) plant. Or plants. Turns out you can plant those seeds in a red or yellow or orange pepper and they will grow something fierce. I don't know if they're some sort of GMO Franken Food, but I'm gonna sit back and study their ways.

The only book I read on all this was "The Vegetable Gardener's Container Bible" by Edward C. Smith. All the rest of my knowledge is hearsay and conjecture. There's a lot of hearsay. People told me they don't start planting here in the Buffalo region til after Memorial Day. I have said the hell with that. I don't have any good reason for that, but the hell with it.

This Ed Smith fellow is big on self watering planters. I got a couple. They were like 2 bucks at the dollar store. Which makes no damn sense, but there you go. I also have some hanging planters, cos I'm going for this levels thing. Ed suggests you use hanging containers to keep the plants above the level where animals can get at them. Now I live on main street, so the deer aren't really a problem. Not enough greenery and too many unsavory types for the deer. But I saw a rabbit heading over to the Methodist Church last night.

I don't want to upset the Methodists. No need to start one of those European Style Catholic vs. Protestant things. But they better keep their rabbit to themselves. I'm gonna chalk it up to he was getting to church early on Sunday. Even if it was one of those heathen churches, I suppose it's a good thing, or at least neighborly. There's also a smallish squirrel around here that I've named Maurice. I hear he likes to go into the bar next door. I like to think of him as my pet squirrel, though Michelle is opposed to this. I think she is also opposed to the gangster of love, but cool with space cowboy. Anyway, I'm concerned about Maurice messing with my garden. I think we'll be good though. I'm gonna have to start feeding him.

I'll probably be dead in a week

That's my broccoli. Tried to grow it indoors a bit first. Never did anything. So I just planted a bunch of seeds in the outside planter and it was like...fuck yeah. Literally a month of seed indoors in an egg crate with dirt. Nothing. Tossed a bunch of seeds in a planter outside a week ago and boom.

I probably have to separate it and all at some point. Man, this agriculture shit is complex.

I changed an LSU on a 3635 without having to look at the instructions in under 2 hours the other day but I don't know what to do about this broccoli. It's kind of fun.

Stoop-id

So let's get started. Here is my stoop.

The chair is only there when I'm having a smoke or contemplating...just contemplating, nothing specific. The screwdriver is with the chair when I have vodka and orange juice. Sometimes it's a beer. Eventually it will be a white russian. A real one. I tried to get a white russian in the town of tonawanda on Friday, and I got a black russian with whipped cream. It was good and I did not complain, but it was not correct. You should understand that there is the tot, the cot and the not. Town of/City of/North-- Tonawanda. No one here calls them the tot, the cot and the not, but I do. No one says "stoop" up here. They keep calling soda "pop". This should confuse and anger me, but I'm not an unfrozen cave man. I'm a super intelligent chimp. I will study their ways and find out how to fit in. On that note, this is not a "victory garden" I am growing. My closest friend called it that. But that is wrong. Granted, he knows more about plants and such like than I do. His father is the gardener that I aspire to. Yeah, in the end, if I want to know any damn thing about growing crops, I do know the Man. He's got a doctorate in math and doesn't even grow for food. He grows for sport. I'm not gonna ask him questions yet.

Stoops and Stickball are not even parts of our youth. My youth. They are a thing that was before me and then we had porches and baseball and some part of the back yard you could grow tomatoes in. I got a stoop, though. so I'm going with it. Got a tomato plant.

I call him Yuri. There are some Communists I can admire. Yuri is some sort of Siberian Tomato that produces blackish fruit. I assume he's a tomacco plant. It got a little cold the other day and I said the hell with it. He's a Siberian tomato plant. "is not cold, is like what people in amerika think is cold" I'm pretty sure it gets colder in the CoT than in Siberia. But I might be wrong. Coldest place on earth is outside of Utica. Tonight I'll post a picture of the pimping of the stoop. There are lights, but it's too early. And a proper stoop would be much steeper, without the ramp. Americans with disabilities act. I'm all for it. More grow space. Easier on people who can't climb stairs. I'm all about evolving.

Raise Our Food, Like the Man.

Since I'm bringing this blog out of the cold, I should point out that I'm going to curse a lot. Well, maybe not a lot, but effortlessly. I will brook no lip re: my cursing. I've always wanted to say that. I know fuck all about growing shit. I could keep fish alive, sometimes. My cat was a bit of an asshole, but I liked him. Never had plants. My sister, I think mostly, and maybe some brothers had a garden out back the parent's place. I had little to do with it. Might have eaten some cucumber. Michelle's brother flat out said to me that the family saying was, "Give it to Michelle and it will die." At some point, somehow, this changed when Jen and Chuck gave her Police Constable Danny Butterman.

Who is a peace lily. He did very well and so did the rest of her plants. I bought her Police Constable Doris Thatcher, our only policewomanofficer shortly thereafter. She's an Anthurium, which looks like a peace lily with pink flowers.

Also. I tend to give things names. Like some people name cars or boats. I once named a bass "spike" because it followed me along the shore like a dog would follow a person. This is important because all of my garden plants will have names, and I don't want you to be alarmed. But the point is, I stayed hands off with the indoor plants. I gave them names and sometimes spoke to them sternly. But Michelle watered them, took care of them. It was a very 50's style of parenting. The garden is a different thing. I've decided to step up and be hands on. Only the Germans could have a word for "Finally I have decided to be a strong black male father figure, just like Bill Cosby said, just as Bill Cosby is totally discredited and I am neither black nor a father, and they're plants--fercrissake" I don't actually know the word. I learned some German 20 years ago and that was it. (das ist alles). Yup.

You will find me in the garden if you want to, unless it's pouring down with rain.

Also then, I'm going to talk here about tomato plants and how quickly broccoli can grow, when grown right. Also graveyards and Niagara Falls and glowing lights arranged on your stoop. Maybe not everything has to be said, but I'd like to say some of it. I'd like to say a few things.

Etoile

It hung there. I swear to God I could not watch the road for it dragging my eyes away. So I pulled to the side of the road. And when I got out, a Jack Rabbit jumped. And the sand went on forever. And I was sure a rattlesnake would get me just above the boot.

But instead the big stupid star just sat there. Probably a planet, mind you. Probably just stupid Jupiter.

All this damn time Jupiter pounding in my head and I had to stop and acknowledge it. The only dumbass on I10 stopped and looking at the sky.

I still remember the jack rabbit run and the bright star all these years later. I still remember being more alone than anything and still having to just stop for a minute. I still remember that I took a left turn at Jacksonville, because, why not?

Did I do everything right or wrong? Too late now.